Clover for East Ham

With only 2 days before the election, we are proud to announce CLOVER for EAST HAM.

Clover is a mother cat who thinks she knows what’s best for everyone , and while you may not agree, she will always insist she is right.

Despite the fact that she likes to sit on the Social Sciences shelf in the library, and look down on Imperial History beneath her, Clover has very little understanding of the law or politics, and not much more of history.  In fact, she can’t read at all and has very little experience  of the big world outside, so it comes at no surprise that she often makes claims that are politely called “misleading”.

For instance, she has claimed that the EU actively discriminates against commonwealth families and migrants  in favour of EU migrants, which is clearly a lot of rubbish, as the EU lot aren’t allowed to vote  in  this election) while the commonwealth lot can. In fact, the Eurocats most certainly weren’t allowed to vote in the 2016 Referendum on #BoatyMcBoatface either, because had they been  allowed to vote,  there’s have been 3 million  more votes to remain in the EU, and we wouldn’t be dealing with this Brexit mess now.

Clover has no abilities or interest in making a deal with the Eurocats in Brussels, and thinks now it’s time for a huge cat fight instead!

 

To vote for Clover on Thursday,  simply 1) cross out the other candidates’ names on the ballot paper, and 2) write her name and party on the paper instead  (“CLOVER” + “UCAT Party” – if you can’t write so good you can just draw a picture of a cat).

REMEMBER: Staying at home is only half a vote for us. EVERY DEFACED BALLOT PAPER COUNTS AS A FULL VOTE FOR UCAT!  Make it a full vote…

VOTE UCAT TO MAKE BREAKFAST A SUCCESS!

Eric for Sevenoaks and Swanley

To celebrate his recent real-life 18th Birthday this May (not fake-news) , Eric a.ka. the Don of Riverhead (a.k.a. Rivendell) is legally old enough to join the political fray and stand as UCAT’s cat-didate for his home constituency of Sevenoaks in Kent.

The Seat of Sevenoaks, which also includes the Stool of Swanley, and the Chart of Seal (but not the Seal of Chart) has long been held by Michael Fallon – since 9 June 1983 in fact (fact!) – a whopping  34  years – which is really FAR TOO LONG for anyone to be in power of anything.

Fallon who is considered to be a big cat with a fierce bite, but has been quite weak and feeble since he was on the losing side of the democratic decision of the people to vote for BoatyMcBoatface, although he recently criticized Boris Johnson on telly.

The Don  has promised to defecate his life to trampling all over Human’s Rights and their gardens in particular.

He also promises to prevent any reform of the political system (once elected).

 

Winston for Windsor

Meet Winston – the UCAT cat-didate for Windsor!

Winston is a revolutionary idealist who likes to pretend that he is a conservative. He joined UCAT in order to promote his bizarre notion of the “Patriotic Destruction of British Business“, which he hopes to achieve by Leaving the Single Garden and causing great instability all around.

In  a short time, he has made quite a name for himself as a cat that is not willing to listen to the views of others, even when they are better informed than him, and he  has made it clear that he certainly has no interest in representing anyone’s interest but his own. Of course, he refuses to take part in debates and interviews, and we certainly don’t expect him to participate in any hustings prior to the General Election.

Some say that Winston’s policies are COPYCAT policies, which Winston  firmly denies. While we have to admit there is probably some truth in that, we want to point out that if you scrutinse the voting record of Adam Afriye you can identify a couple of minor policy differences that set Winston apart.

In  general you can assume that Winston’s policies are just the kind of thing you’d expect from a bucking Brexiteer with little regard for tradition, security or the rule of law. If that’s what you want then  please vote WINSTON for WINDSOR by crossing out the other candidates’ names and “writing him in”.

VOTE UCAT FOR MORE BOATYMCBOATFACE MAYHEM

 

A Dead Cat for North Shropshire

UCAT have decided that a dead cat is a better than what North Shropshire currently offers its voters.

Just look at how the bloke who has had the job for the last 20 years voted on  different policy issues as your representative over all that time.  The last time he was on  telly he was talking about pensioners picking fruit. Is that what you really want?

VOTE UCAT IF YOU THINK A DEAD CAT IS BETTER THAN THAT

Heidi for Chingford and Woodford Green

UCAT is pleased to announce that Heidi will be contesting the seat which Ian Duncan Smith thinks he owns – Chingford and Woodford Green.

Heidi is political heavyweight with a fierce reputation for defending any position she takes on top of the cabinet.

As a free garden zealot, Heidi also lives in a fantasy world,  and also voted for Boaty McBoatface in 2016, but unlike her opponent she actually admits that she likes red tape.

She has provided lots of highly idealistic input into the debate on the Single Garden, and has often entertained the party with her crazy ideas, some of which have been taken up in the UCAT Manifesto, although we did not including her ludicrous notion of the one-way cat flap (which is going a bit too far).

Nonetheless, we gave her total free rein to write the Manifesto Update on Doing Business after Leaving the Single Garden, and although we have not vetted its contents, or done any kind of impact assessment of its implications.

When elected (there is no if to it), Heidi will seize control of the Shadowy Ministry for Administration of the Colonies which is secretly being re-established, prior to reclaiming the colonies themselves.

VOTE UCAT TO HELP FAST CATS DEFEND THEIR POSITIONS ON TOP OF CABINETS!

Diana for Ashford

This country needs a new Sacred-Cat-of-State for Work and Pensions!

Following an interview of the other right-wing candidate for the seat of Ashford on the BBC with Andrew Marr this morning, UCAT has decided that he doesn’t do enough to damage the state of work and pensions, and that we will be fielding a new cat-didate to contest his seat and show him what hardcore really means.

Meet Diana:
  • Diana is work-shy and will put her paws into any pension purses she can
  • She will not just cut Employment and Support Allowance for those unable to work by £30 a week, but will do her best to abolish it altogether.
  • She will seek to abolish all work and pensions
  • She will only give winter fuel for those who vote for her
  • She will try to claim expenses on all her jewelry
  • She will reintroduce hunting of all animals as a sport (not just foxes)
  • She will take a bigger share of your property after you pass away so your kitties have to pay an even bigger ransome to continue living there .

Diana clearly has a much tougher stance than her opponent, although his voting record shows that he comes close to her positions on most issues.

VOTE FOR DIANA IN ASHFORD TO END ALL FORMS OF LIFE SUPPORT NOW!

 

Maggie for Dover and Dogger Bank

To prove UCAT is not a species-ist party, we have decided to allow a token dog to run under the UCAT banner.

Maggie the Doggie* will be running for the new constituency of Dover and Dogger Bank to which all lucky dogs will be relocated once we have taken power. The unlucky one will be put on the Isle of Dogs, which our Minister of Defence has other plans for.

Dogger Bank is a true paradise for dogs. It has green hills with long grass and lots of rabbits, and there’s a bone hidden everywhere you dig. Before being led there, all dogs will be kept at the new holding camp hotel that we will build in Dover.

As a blind dog, Maggie trust us to look after her best interest. If you are stupid enough to trust us to act in your interest too, then make sure you are registered to vote before midnight on May 22nd, so you can write us in on your ballot come election day.

(*not to be confused with Maggie Catcher our cat-didate for Maidenhead).

Bubu for Uxbridge and South Ruislip

VOTE UCAT TO MAKE BREAKFAST A SUCCESS!

UCAT is proud to announce Bubu as its cat-didate for Uxbridge and South Ruislip, where she will run against Bobo the clown.

Bubu is seen as  a serious contender for this seat as she possesses similar skills and attributes to her opponent. Like Bobo, she has no interest in the consequences of her actions, and is guaranteed to annoy someone with everything she does.

Most importantly, Bubu is also highly adept at using silly antics to cover her own serious diplomatic blunders – and at timing these cleverly to distract from whatever it is that we are trying to cover up this week. Whenever UCAT needs to deflect attention from some scandal of dodgy campaign  finances,  misuse of public funds or simply that we lied again, we just need to send Bubu somewhere where there’s plenty of opportunity for clowning around. Religious sites and the offices of foreign governments are especially good for getting full media attention away from whatever it was.

Bubu truly is on another level. She:

  • offends more people per minute than any other candidate
  • voted FOR Boaty McBoatface
  • consistently defended the WILL of the PEOPLE to name Boaty McBoatface against the ENEMIES of the PEOPLE
  • will write anything on a bus or boat to get elected

Unlike her opponent, she will not refuse to take the premiership (if and when offered). In fact, she’ll happily stab every cat in the back to get it.

She also claims to have a better understanding of Breakfast, including the dog’s breakfast, and says that a CRUNCHY one is better than one that’s too HARD or SOFT.

If you like your politicians to act really stupid then,  you must VOTE BUBU for UXBRIDGE and SOUTH RUISLIP on June 8th !

But BEWARE: To be allowed to vote, you must register to vote before May 22nd

 

 

Timmy for Tonbridge and Malling

Timmy the Tomcat will be contesting the seat of Tonbridge and Malling for UCAT. This safe seat (let’s see about that) is currently held by another Tom, who is really just a little kitty that doesn’t have any opinions of its own, but always does what his mummy says.

Timmy is a traditional conservative, who is fed up with the Revolutionary Leninism of the Tory party whips.  As a great admirer of Edmund Burke,  he believes that an MP should always act in the interests of all his constituents, whether they have the right to vote or not.

He is a consistent defender of business interests and a passionate believer in stability, security and the rule of law.  Strongly opposed to progressive ideologies and planning of any kind, he believes that human interference in the natural order of things can only lead to disaster.

“Humans are weak and feeble” he claims, “and they simply don’t have the brain power to realise the consequences of their actions. They are like dogs who wag their tail at the mention of “OUTies”, not realising that it’s cold outside and that they’re not going to be let IN again”.

As Timmy missed the registration deadline for parliamentary candidates,  he is asking his supporters to “write him in” on their ballot paper as the UCAT cat-didate for Tonbridge and Malling .

Click here to see the UCAT manifesto, and here to see the voting record of his opponent.

 

Donald for Haltemprice and Howden

Donald

Donald is the cat who can! That’s why he is running for UCAT in the Humberside constituency of Haltemprice and Howden.

He’s got absolutely no clue of how to make breakfast a success, but that’s not considered an obstacle in this campaign as his main opponent clearly has no idea either.

A bit of ladies cat, Donald loves to preening himself and looking in the mirror – and using a hair dryer to create the wild hairdo’s that his audience so loves.

Donald can often be seen creeping around any bush he can find.  Indeed, he is a bonafide pussy-grabber who calls himself “Tougher than Trump“, “Harder than A Pen” and “Wilder Than Wilders“.  We also think he is also “Dafter than David“.

So, if you’re daft enough to vote for David, then please reconsider, and – VOTE FOR DONALD INSTEAD!

Donald