The UCAT Party is a protest party for cats and people who don’t feel represented by the current ideologies of the traditional parties.
We don’t aim to win elections – we aim to influence the policy agenda of other parties and – get them to do as we want – out of fear of UCAT!
This strategy has been successfully tried and tested by another party, and we intend to copy it.
Agriculture & Fisheries
Abolish agriculture and get as many fish as we can – NOW! Who cares about tomorrow? If we don’t get the fish on their migration here, they’ll head back south and the Spaniards will! It’s not like we could come to an agreement or something…
For many generations there has been a Treaty to break down fences to create a Single Garden, and millions of cats have benefited from the right to play and do their business in their neigbhours gardens. This must stop now.
Henceforth all cats shall be:
- Required to Obtain a Special Permission Pass to play in other gardens,
- Prohibited from catching any birds in neighbouring gardens without prior permission of the nativist cat
- Required to Declare any mice, rats or small mammals they catch, and submit a fifth of the animal to the guardians of the garden
- Required to Submit all their Shit for inspection when crossing boundaries
- Required to confuse any foreign cats by insisting that all shit is now measured in the unit of 3/7 of a horn-beetle rather than the global unit of 10 standard black ants.
At present, it is estimated that half of cats (those who can actually catch rodents) do more than half of their cross-boundary business in the gardens of their direct neighbours. It is hoped that the new policy will encourage these cats to do their business in the far away gardens, who we have to make complicated new agreements with, once their agreements with the Single Garden no longer apply.
Some cats say that our policy team consists of fat lazy cats who couldn’t even catch an insect let alone a bird, and don’t understand that is impractical just to do business in the far away gardens. They claim that the time getting there takes too long and that they could catch 3 birds in the gardens of their direct neighbours, before they catch a single one over there – and that our policy doesn’t take the cost of crossing the road into account. They say that we already have agreements with all the nice far away gardens via the Single Garden, and that we are helping to improve the gardens with too much undergrowth so we can play there too.
While this is true (as we have acknowledged in the past), we simply reply with “Nonsense“! You must Trust Us to Make Breakfast A Success!
The only business ability required of humans is to provide food and a warm shelter. As long as we get those, who cares about what happens to the rest?
UCAT supports Military Intervention against the Isle of Dogs, and using the entire national budget to building an underwater bathtub that glows in the dark and shoots fireworks when you press a button (don’t worry it’s going to be used so far away you can’t hear or see it – unless someone works out how to hack the remote control).
Not important. The ability to read, write and do maths gives humans the ability to work things out for themselves, so less of that please!
This is what makes the house warm so we need some of that. Who cares how? Just Shut up and get on with it already.
IN or OUT? Good question. Out now, but maybe back in later. It can get cold and lonely out there. In fact, I may change my mind several times on that one. Just don’t let anyone in our garden.
Cats expect the best for myself, but humans are there to provide not receive healthcare. Also, that vet doesn’t look like other humans, so let’s get rid of him.
(See Monetary Policy)
Freedom to play and shit in my neighbours’ gardens. All 27 of them. But they can’t come in mine. NO EUROCATS! No Siamese cats with their creepy blue eyes either!
There are many pervy humans sharing pictures of kittens on social media. This must stop now.(Also see Surveillance below)
Rules? Who needs rules? I’m going to do what I like and I’ll hiss at you if you don’t like it. Once my human gets full control she will make all humans bend to her will. But her will is my will – I control what she does. And if I say the Eurocat is bad she’ll scare it away with a stick. But I’ll have to think of a new excuse once she realises that it was the one catching the mice not me.
Replace pounds with mice for strong and sable leadership! The weak don’t deserve the crumbs that fall off the table. They are the currency of the powerful and when the power of the Eurocats ends, they will be fully back under our control to torture as we please.
Science and Technology
Develop our own very expensive project to send a dog to the Moon – NOW!!
Give me a snuggle when I want one, but don’t expect one in return! UCAT says everyone for themselves.
We will monitor all human activity without regard for privacy*… (*except banking)
Let’s squeeze the humans for any treat we can get. Who cares how they pay for it.