Clover for East Ham

With only 2 days before the election, we are proud to announce CLOVER for EAST HAM.

Clover is a mother cat who thinks she knows what’s best for everyone , and while you may not agree, she will always insist she is right.

Despite the fact that she likes to sit on the Social Sciences shelf in the library, and look down on Imperial History beneath her, Clover has very little understanding of the law or politics, and not much more of history.  In fact, she can’t read at all and has very little experience  of the big world outside, so it comes at no surprise that she often makes claims that are politely called “misleading”.

For instance, she has claimed that the EU actively discriminates against commonwealth families and migrants  in favour of EU migrants, which is clearly a lot of rubbish, as the EU lot aren’t allowed to vote  in  this election) while the commonwealth lot can. In fact, the Eurocats most certainly weren’t allowed to vote in the 2016 Referendum on #BoatyMcBoatface either, because had they been  allowed to vote,  there’s have been 3 million  more votes to remain in the EU, and we wouldn’t be dealing with this Brexit mess now.

Clover has no abilities or interest in making a deal with the Eurocats in Brussels, and thinks now it’s time for a huge cat fight instead!

 

To vote for Clover on Thursday,  simply 1) cross out the other candidates’ names on the ballot paper, and 2) write her name and party on the paper instead  (“CLOVER” + “UCAT Party” – if you can’t write so good you can just draw a picture of a cat).

REMEMBER: Staying at home is only half a vote for us. EVERY DEFACED BALLOT PAPER COUNTS AS A FULL VOTE FOR UCAT!  Make it a full vote…

VOTE UCAT TO MAKE BREAKFAST A SUCCESS!

Heidi for Chingford and Woodford Green

UCAT is pleased to announce that Heidi will be contesting the seat which Ian Duncan Smith thinks he owns – Chingford and Woodford Green.

Heidi is political heavyweight with a fierce reputation for defending any position she takes on top of the cabinet.

As a free garden zealot, Heidi also lives in a fantasy world,  and also voted for Boaty McBoatface in 2016, but unlike her opponent she actually admits that she likes red tape.

She has provided lots of highly idealistic input into the debate on the Single Garden, and has often entertained the party with her crazy ideas, some of which have been taken up in the UCAT Manifesto, although we did not including her ludicrous notion of the one-way cat flap (which is going a bit too far).

Nonetheless, we gave her total free rein to write the Manifesto Update on Doing Business after Leaving the Single Garden, and although we have not vetted its contents, or done any kind of impact assessment of its implications.

When elected (there is no if to it), Heidi will seize control of the Shadowy Ministry for Administration of the Colonies which is secretly being re-established, prior to reclaiming the colonies themselves.

VOTE UCAT TO HELP FAST CATS DEFEND THEIR POSITIONS ON TOP OF CABINETS!

Bubu for Uxbridge and South Ruislip

UCAT is proud to announce Bubu as its cat-didate for Uxbridge and South Ruislip, where she will run against Bobo the clown.

Bubu is seen as  a serious contender for this seat as she possesses similar skills and attributes to her opponent. Like Bobo, she has no interest in the consequences of her actions, and is guaranteed to annoy someone with everything she does.

Most importantly, Bubu is also highly adept at using silly antics to cover her own serious diplomatic blunders – and at timing these cleverly to distract from whatever it is that we are trying to cover up this week. Whenever UCAT needs to deflect attention from some scandal of dodgy campaign  finances,  misuse of public funds or simply that we lied again, we just need to send Bubu somewhere where there’s plenty of opportunity for clowning around. Religious sites and the offices of foreign governments are especially good for getting full media attention away from whatever it was.

Bubu truly is on another level. She:

  • offends more people per minute than any other candidate

  • voted FOR Boaty McBoatface
  • consistently defended the WILL of the PEOPLE to name Boaty McBoatface against the ENEMIES of the PEOPLE
  • will write anything on a bus or boat to get elected

Unlike her opponent, she will not refuse to take the premiership (if and when offered). In fact, she’ll happily stab every cat in the back to get it.

She also claims to have a better understanding of Breakfast, including the dog’s breakfast, and says that a CRUNCHY one is better than one that’s too HARD or SOFT.

If you like your politicians to act really stupid then,  you must VOTE BUBU for UXBRIDGE and SOUTH RUISLIP on June 8th !

But BEWARE: To be allowed to vote, you must register to vote before May 22nd

VOTE UCAT TO MAKE BREAKFAST A SUCCESS!

 

Dodger for Catford

Dodger “the War Mongerer” has announced that he will be standing in Catford – a constituency that has been carved up and divided by the enemas of cats – most of which is now falsely called “Lewisham East”.

Dodger has a grand vision for Catford to become the capital of the UK,which he intends to achieve by massive spending cuts in the area, including an average budget reduction for local schools of just £250,000.

His other policies are not well known, as he’s a bit of a shady character, but we can be sure he is not a social cat, unlike his opponent Heidi Alexander whose voting record suggest that she cares about other humans and likes to be friendly with her neighbours.

However, it is believed that he is a strong advocate of Military Intervention against the Isle of Dogs, and using the entire national budget to building an underwater bathtub that glows in the dark and shoots fireworks when you press a button (don’t worry it’s going to be used so far away you can’t hear or see it – unless someone works out how to hack the remote control).

Vote DODGER to get Austerity and AutoCATsy in Catford NOW!

To Support Dodger as the new MP for Catford, YOU MUST GO TO VOTE on election day. Then, when you’re standing there wondering where to put your X, you must stop yourself and follow these instructions:

  1. cross out the words “Lewisham East” (lies),
  2. replace them with “Catford“, and
  3. writeDodger” on the bottom of your ballot paper. “

It really is as “Simples” as meercats would say. Don’t forget to print out the picture and stick it in your window, so all your friends and neighbours know what a simpleton you are.