To celebrate his recent real-life 18th Birthday this May (not fake-news) , Eric a.ka. the Don of Riverhead (a.k.a. Rivendell) is legally old enough to join the political fray and stand as UCAT’s cat-didate for his home constituency of Sevenoaks in Kent.
The Seat of Sevenoaks, which also includes the Stool of Swanley, and the Chart of Seal (but not the Seal of Chart) has long been held by Michael Fallon – since 9 June 1983 in fact (fact!) – a whopping 34 years – which is really FAR TOO LONG for anyone to be in power of anything.
Fallon who is considered to be a big cat with a fierce bite, but has been quite weak and feeble since he was on the losing side of the democratic decision of the people to vote for BoatyMcBoatface, although he recently criticized Boris Johnson on telly.
The Don has promised to defecate his life to trampling all over Human’s Rights and their gardens in particular.
He also promises to prevent any reform of the political system (once elected).
This country needs a new Sacred-Cat-of-State for Work and Pensions!
Following an interview of the other right-wing candidate for the seat of Ashford on the BBC with Andrew Marr this morning, UCAT has decided that he doesn’t do enough to damage the state of work and pensions, and that we will be fielding a new cat-didate to contest his seat and show him what hardcore really means.
- Diana is work-shy and will put her paws into any pension purses she can
- She will not just cut Employment and Support Allowance for those unable to work by £30 a week, but will do her best to abolish it altogether.
- She will seek to abolish all work and pensions
- She will only give winter fuel for those who vote for her
- She will try to claim expenses on all her jewelry
- She will reintroduce hunting of all animals as a sport (not just foxes)
- She will take a bigger share of your property after you pass away so your kitties have to pay an even bigger ransome to continue living there .
Diana clearly has a much tougher stance than her opponent, although his voting record shows that he comes close to her positions on most issues.
VOTE FOR DIANA IN ASHFORD TO END ALL FORMS OF LIFE SUPPORT NOW!
To prove UCAT is not a species-ist party, we have decided to allow a token dog to run under the UCAT banner.
Maggie the Doggie* will be running for the new constituency of Dover and Dogger Bank to which all lucky dogs will be relocated once we have taken power. The unlucky one will be put on the Isle of Dogs, which our Minister of Defence has other plans for.
Dogger Bank is a true paradise for dogs. It has green hills with long grass and lots of rabbits, and there’s a bone hidden everywhere you dig. Before being led there, all dogs will be kept at the new
holding camp hotel that we will build in Dover.
As a blind dog, Maggie trust us to look after her best interest. If you are stupid enough to trust us to act in your interest too, then make sure you are registered to vote before midnight on May 22nd, so you can write us in on your ballot come election day.
(*not to be confused with Maggie Catcher our cat-didate for Maidenhead).
Timmy the Tomcat will be contesting the seat of Tonbridge and Malling for UCAT. This safe seat (let’s see about that) is currently held by another Tom, who is really just a little kitty that doesn’t have any opinions of its own, but always does what his mummy says.
Timmy is a traditional conservative, who is fed up with the Revolutionary Leninism of the Tory party whips. As a great admirer of Edmund Burke, he believes that an MP should always act in the interests of all his constituents, whether they have the right to vote or not.
He is a consistent defender of business interests and a passionate believer in stability, security and the rule of law. Strongly opposed to progressive ideologies and planning of any kind, he believes that human interference in the natural order of things can only lead to disaster.
“Humans are weak and feeble” he claims, “and they simply don’t have the brain power to realise the consequences of their actions. They are like dogs who wag their tail at the mention of “OUTies”, not realising that it’s cold outside and that they’re not going to be let IN again”.
As Timmy missed the registration deadline for parliamentary candidates, he is asking his supporters to “write him in” on their ballot paper as the UCAT cat-didate for Tonbridge and Malling .
Click here to see the UCAT manifesto, and here to see the voting record of his opponent.
UCAT is pleased to announce “Nigel” as a political candidate in Rochester and Strood for the UCAT party in the General Election – Please support Nigel via Peter Cook’s CatFunder Campaign.
Nigel’s policies are as follows:
- Kitekat for Brexfast – Kippers for tea
- No Eurocats or Siamese cats in my garden
- Retain the right to play and shit in my 27 neighbour’s gardens
- Abolish Agriculture and Dried Food
- Unlimited fishing rights on Cod, Haddock and other British Fish
- A ban on Fish Fingers – they are a human perversion
- A total ban on birds – they are migrants and annoy me when I’m trying to sleep
Vote UCAT to make Breakfast a success! Please help Nigel raise his deposit to stand against the humans. He is Strong and Sable …
When funding Nigel as the UCAT candidate for Rochester and Strood, please use the code “UCAT – Nigel” in your reply so we can see how many people want to see cats in charge of the nation.
If we fail to secure a deposit for Nigel, the money will be used to tour the UK on our mission to weaken Theresa May’s grip on power. Nigel will appear as a guest panelist on our “Question Time” panel, although he has little interest in human affairs …
To find out about Nigel’s opponent, Kelly Tollhurst, please check out her voting record on the They Work For You website.